Mental napalm and five new lessons I learnt

I've been working in the IT industry for 20 years: By age 13, I could write programs.

Back then Google did not exist and due to the idiocy of Apartheid, South Africa was isolated. We could not buy books, software, tools or training material from overseas, so we had to learn the hard way: - by hacking 16 hours a day while guzzling enough paint stripper (aka coffee) to wake up a Telkom employee.

We loved every single second of it.

As far as software development goes, we fancied ourselves as hot shots. Keyboard jocks. (You have to love yourself first - right?)

We believed that since software is the brain of the hardware colossus - the proverbial soul of the IT body, we, the creators of software, are the gods of IT. The ware manne.

It is from this background that I still consider myself as a (self assessed) programming boff, and part of a (self assessed) elite - placing me in the top percentile when it relates to IT knowledge and understanding.

I thought so.

I was sadly mistaken.

If you thought you were reading my CV thus far, you'd be forgiven. You see, I need to regain my pride - so I have to brag about my IT prowess. Even if no-one believes me. Just writing about it makes me feel a little better.

Because I've been traumatized.

Brutalized.

Violated.

I noticed the cracks a few weeks ago while installing Cent OS - a version of Linux. I needed the operating system installed so that I could run Asterisk on it - a very sophisticated telephone management system.

Sophisticated, almost infinitely customizable, open source and free as rain. To a nerd, that proposition is as un-resistible as that hot blond English teacher was St 8.

I downloaded it eagerly. I tried to install it.

My ego deflated explosively.

To say I had "no clue" is like saying Napoleon had a "setback" at Waterloo.

Days and hundreds of Google searches later the system booted only to confront me with a hostile green prompt: some dialect of alien computer speak. Utterly beyond human understanding. Like a kick in the...well...you know.

The manual was gobbledygook to me. Written by a chimpanzee.

On LSD.

So I started Google-ing again. Hundreds of searches and many muttered profanities later, I learned how to edit text files with a command called "joe".

Not "edit" or anything as sensible as that. Hu-uh. "joe".

For Pete's sake.

I discovered that "filename" is not the same as "Filename" - because to Linux "F" is not the same as "f".

(Yes. I said the word. )

But it was a step in the right direction. Now that I knew about "joe" I could set up the network address...by editing /etc/sysconfig/network-scripts/ifcfg-eth0. Obvious? To aliens maybe.

Want to install an add-on? Well, download the source code and compile it. Only sissies need setup programs.

And a mouse? No way. You can type can't you? Menu's? Hu-uh. That's for little girls. No user interface of any kind...except of course the prompt from hell.

"Incomprehensible" in the most vile way.

Mental napalm.

My brain almost exploded. My dead deflated.

I was clueless. An operating system I did not know, a software application I did not understand.
I had a headache between the eyes, and was on the verge of going postal on that computer's ass when I eventually got the application and operating system configured.

My 20 years in IT amounted to nothing. After all this trauma, all I had was a morose computer starring at me with a mute, blank screen oozing the malice of an open grave.

No wonder Shuttleworth calls Ubuntu "Linux for humans". Ubuntu is a graceful, friendly lady. Naked Linux is the wicked witch you scare rottveilers with.

It might be a brilliant operating system (it is), but naked...to the uninitiated...boy...that bitch be FUGLY.

So, the Cent OS experience shook my confidence a bit.

Fortunately the tale ends well: about two weeks later I had a brand new state of the art VOIP phone system, plus a "corrected" (ie smaller) ego. I must admit, I'm rather fond of my ugly wicked witch now.

Then, a week or two after that, my WiFi (wireless network) router became so slow it was unusable. I could write the data down, walk to the other machine, type it in and still be faster than a network file transfer.

I connected to the WiFi router's management interface via the wire LAN to review it's settings - thinking that perhaps some sort of misconfiguration is causing it to be slow. I checked all the settings, and made a few minor changes and saved it - which required the device to reboot. A minute later it was not back online.

A normal reboot takes about 20 seconds.

Five minutes later it was still as dead as Elvis.

Not good.

Previously, to improve my WiFi router's coverage, I moved the router into the ceiling. Where it was now.

Dead.

Very bad.

The ceiling is about 140 cm high at it's highest point and hot as Hyades.

I have more than 10 computers in the house, an alarm system, a custom built home automation system and 3 separate networks - all of which are wired in the ceiling...ie tens of meters of wire hidden under insulation blankets. If I damage one, it may take the rest of my adult life to find it. Also, due to the thermal insulation, it is very difficult to see the rafters spaced at one meter intervals. The rafters are the only structures strong enough to hold my weight.

Miss a rafter, step on the ceiling board, or slip and I'll fall straight through and maybe break something. Worse: I'll hear the story about me falling through the ceiling told, re-told and exaggerated at every braai till I'm 80 years old or until I shoot myself.

I fell through a ceiling once before.

Lesson learnt.

Considering these (formidable) obstacles I considered leaving the router there. Until it rots.

But it was already bugging me. A dead router in my ceiling will haunt my every waking second. So I had to fix it. Bite the bullet, tally ho and all that.

So, clever me configured my backup router, and took it into the ceiling with me. Once in the ceiling, sweat streaming down my face, I performed feats of contortion that would break a 16 year old gymnast's back in multiple places to reach the dead router.

Once at the router I balanced precariously on one foot, connected the backup router to the antenna and power source and disconnected the old one. I made my way back to the service hatch, sweat streaming into my eyes and almost broke my back in two places. Again.

Once back at my desk rubbing my dislocated back, wiping sweat, dirt and cobwebs from my face, I attempted to connect to the new WiFi router.

Nothing.

Dead as a Roswell alien.

I distinctly remember saying "Drat!" rather loudly at that point.

I checked the old router - the one I just recovered from the ceiling.

It worked flawlessly.

At this point I had to get up from my desk and go sit outside a bit.

When I eventually calmed down, I stoically took the old (no longer broken) router back up into the ceiling, dislocated another disk in my spine, got my foot stuck behind my head, and eventually replaced the new (now broken) with the old (now magically fixed) one.

Now there'd be little reason to share with you the technicalities I learned about Linux and Asterisk as few of you will ever walk into that dark night alone.

Very few of you will (want to) do the ceiling thing either.

However, in the spirit of sharing, allow me to document the universal lessons I learnt.

The five lessons:

1. Difficult to use technology is stupid. You are not. You are the boss. The technology is the slave. You right. It wrong. End of argument.

2. Technology is not perfect. Not on earth. Just because it stops working does not mean you broke it. Refer lesson 1.

3. No-one has an innate ability to understand technology. Skill is acquired through effort.

4. Learn how to learn: The most important skill you can acquire in the 21st century is to learn how to search the Internet.

5. Never head butt a computer.

Spring clean - tuning your Windows XP computer

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 years old, my mother owned a small red Datsun car. It gave her endless hassles - mainly because it was serviced maybe twice in it's decade long file.

It was about 120...in car years...and much of those were spent driving (proverbial) dirt roads.

Trying to start the car in the mornings was an exercise in faith: Many mornings it refused point blank to start until it was good, ready and warmed up. That meant I missed an hour or two of school.

To my mind it was a very cool car indeed.

In the summer, my mother parked the car in the shade of a big tree next to our house, and in winter, on the sunny back lawn.

My bond with the little Datsun grew to affection as I devoured Don Quixote, Tom Sawyer, Moby Dick, Robinson Crusoe and countless others in the back seat of the little car. In my cozy little capsule, I traveled to distant worlds and places. I ran away, made war, fell in love, faced monsters, sailed the seven seas and made new friends.

Then my mother threatened to get rid of my little red friend!

Something had to be done, so I went to the library and took out a few books on car maintenance - including the service manual for the Datsun.

At first glance, the manuals made for far less interesting reading than Tom and Huck, until it occurred to me that Tom and Huck mended the sails for their their float...and Quixote polished his lance. Wizards and witches made broths. Time travelers oil the gears of their fantastic machines. Explorers repair their own wagons.

By Zeus's moustache, I must service the little Datsun.

The maintenance manual was fine reading material after all! My ship faced (and survived) countless battles and now its captain (me), and it`s crew (me), must drop anchor in a safe bay (the back lawn), and ready this fine vessel for adventure.

It took a bit of convincing, but eventually my mother agreed to buy spark plugs, a plug spanner and a feeler gauge.

Thinking back, I she must have been a little scared when she eventually gave in and bought the tools and parts for an 10 year old book worm to scratch around the guts of her only means of transport.

As only a mother can possibly understand, she was probably not convinced by my passionate begging: My self-professed, newly acquired mechanical prowess probably did not impress her either. I think her 10 year old`s passion and naive determination to help must have made her take the leap of faith. Bless her.

It took me an entire weekend to replace the spark plugs - facing several severe technical challenges along the way. I remember one particular instance where I touched a spark plug lead while the car was idling and had my first experience of high voltage electric shock.

The experience made a couple of new words permanent additions to my vocabulary. It took a few hours and several glasses of red cool-aid to work up the courage to get started again. The oven mittens I was wearing after the incident slowed my work down, but rather that than a very high voltage kick in the but.

Temporary setbacks not withstanding, late the Sunday afternoon, the little Datsun started - every time.

It still sometimes screamed like a stuck pig (I later learned that was caused by a slipping fan belt way past it`s replacement schedule), but the main operation was successful and the Admiral (I promoted myself) had his ship back in service. Together could sail back into the sunset to face a new round of battles and fantastic adventures.

Years later, I started working on PCs. These were mystical devices too. You could do just about anything with it. You could read books, play games, listen to music, write programs, do budgets...the possibilities were endless. But so were the problems.

In less than a year my first PC became a lot slower. Errors occurred more and more frequently. Information got destroyed for no apparent reason. The PC started reminding me of a little red Datsun.

After a trip to the library, I found out that PCs were mechanical devices too and they also required maintenance. Fortunately, maintenance on a PC seldom require parts or tools...or oven mittens. All you need is a bit of information, a little time, and a desire to restore your PC to the sleek, fast and fascinating device it was when you first got it.

Here is the summarized workshop manual for your Windows XP PC. If you have an ten year old, please do me a favor and have him/her join you in repairing the ship for battle once more...for old times sake...

Physical maintenance

Take a good look at your keyboard and mouse. Not exactly clean are they? Are you a bit embarrassed that you did not notice that before?

Let`s fix it:

1) Shut down your PC.
2) Turn the keyboard upside down and GENTLY tap it on the back (do not use power tools or hammers) until no more dust and debris fall out.
3) Now take a damp, soft cloth and wipe the side of the keyboard and the keys clean from that unmentionable grey-black gunk stuck on it. You can use a little bit (about a drop) of dishwashing liquid diluted in about a liter of water if the grime is difficult to get off. Be very careful not to let water drip into the keyboard.
4) Do the same to your mouse, ie wipe the mouse body and buttons clean.
5) Open the mouse and take out the mouse ball (at the bottom) and use a pen or needle to remove the dust compacted around the little black rolling bars.
6) Wipe the mouse ball clean.
7) Replace the ball...the same one you took out, in case you are wondering. If you're mouse does not have a ball, then it is a girl. It does not need servicing of it's moving parts.
8) Rinse the cloth and clean your monitor - not the screen itself, just the box.
9) Now clean the screen in the same way you would a window - but, once again, be careful not to spill any liquid in or on the device, and don`t stand on a chair while you are doing it...and do not use any strong detergents.

Now you have a clean and handsome PC again - at least from the outside. This is an important step because you cannot expect your PC to work faster if it is embarrassed by how it looks.

Just think how effective you will be if you had to go to work without showering for a year. I`m not messing with you. It`s a mystical thing. Computers have feelings too.

Removing data dust

As surely as dust settles on your computer from the outside - just as surely dust of a different kind settles in the inside of your PC...the dust of unused and disorganized data.

First, remove all the junk and then organize your hard disk. Windows XP includes a built-in program (utility) to do this: On the start menu, select "All programs", "Accessories", "System tools" and then "Disk cleanup". The program will run for a few minutes while it checks out your hard disk.

Once it is ready, select "More options" and "Clean up" in the installed programs section. Now uninstall those programs you thought you might need, but never actually use. (Remember that old Tetris game you installed but stopped playing for hours at a time because you noticed hair growing on your hands?)

After removing the programs you no longer need, click on the "Clean up" button in the System Restore section and remove all but the most recent restore point.

Once that is done, click on the "Disk cleanup" tab again and tick all the boxes. Now click ok, and go have a cup of coffee while your computer removes all the old junk during the next several minutes. Instead of coffee, you may use an alcoholic beverage to "get in the mood" if you are so inclined, but keep the dosage to a level that is safe around computers.

Tune hard disk performance

Every time data is written to your hard disk, it is broken down into "clusters" (chunks of information) and stored on the available open spaces of your drive. As files are deleted and added, shrunk and expanded, these clusters become separated and data is spread all over your hard disk (fragmented) - like pieces of a puzzle scattered all over your house after your 3 year old niece came over for a visit.

Your computer has to work hard to re-assemble files every time they are read, and this slows things down noticeably. To re-organize your files into nice, fast and contiguous blocks, follow this procedure:

On the Start Menu, select "All programs", "Accessories", "System tools" and then Disk Defragmenter. Now select your C: drive and click "Defragment" and watch in total fascination as Windows XP moves all your files around the disk until they are all more or less neatly de-fragmented. (For a faster (free) defragmentation tool, download Ultradefrag here: http://ultradefrag.sourceforge.net/)

Your computer will now no longer spend minutes every day searching up and down the hard disk muttering to itself about selfish humans with no regard neat filing.

Clean your startup

You may be (unpleasantly) surprised to see how many things your computer is busy with at any given time. After all, if you are not typing on the machine, then it`s just standing there doing nothing - right?

Unfortunately that is not so. Many tasks run in the background - some of them are essential, but some of them do nothing more than make your computer run slower.

Click on start, then all programs and then startup and review the list of programs there. Make sure that all the items there are really necessary because all of them are running in the background keeping your computer busy. A common culprit is "Microsoft office". Right click on the entry and delete it. You might have to wait 10 seconds longer next time you start MS office, but that`s better than wasting resources all the time on a program that you only use now and then.

Stop the windows indexing service

This part of the operating system keeps a running index of all the files on the machine...to search. Considering the benefits the search brings (very little) versus the resources it consumers (a lot) it is not a good deal.

A bad trade of a lot of resources for a very small gain.

If you want a good, fast and very clever search engine for your desktop, have a look at the (free) Google desktop search: http://desktop.google.com/

To stop the indexing service from stealing computing resources, follow this process:

1) Click start, run and type services.msc and hit enter.
2) Look for Indexing service and double click it.
3) Click on stop and wait for the service to stop.
4) Change Startup type to manual and press ok.

Operating system update

Microsoft releases updates to their operating systems every two weeks or so. These updates cover mostly security updates to protect you from nasty programs, but also to fix bugs in the operating system.

To make sure you are running the latest and safest version of the operating system, visit the Microsoft update site at http://windowsupdate.microsoft.com/, scan for updates and download and install all the critical updates.

Tune operating system performance

Windows XP is a pretty operating system - with animated windows, fading items and all kinds of eye candy. After the initial honeymoon with your new PC is over, you may want to sacrifice the makeup in favor of an PC that runs just a little bit faster.

To get rid of the visual effects, look for the "My Computer" icon on your desktop and right-click your mouse on it. Select "Properties" and then the "Advanced" tab. Now click on the "Settings" button in the "performance" section.

On the visual effects tab, select "Adjust for best performance". This will tell Windows XP to forget about all the fancy graphics and to concentrate on getting the job done. (Your computer will look a lot different after this - if you don`t like it, you can just go back and change the setting back to what it was)

Now, select the "Advanced" tab and make sure the "Processor scheduling" and "memory usage" are both set to programs.

Also click on the "Change" button in the "Virtual memory" section and set the initial and maximum size of the paging file to twice the amount of memory you have in your PC, but not less than 256 and not more than 2048.

Click OK to return to the system properties window and then click on the "Remote" tab. Make sure that neither "Remote assistance" nor "Remote Desktop" is ticked. (Unless you really want someone to remotely monitor what is going on on your computer)

Now select the "Automatic Updates" tab and choose the "Notify but don`t automatically download" selection. Instead of downloading updates without your authority, (and making your internet connection very slow) your computer will now do the polite thing and ask before it downloads a lot of stuff from the internet.

A slightly more advanced trick is to clean the operating system`s pre-fetch queue. This queue is a list of programs (or pieces of programs) Windows XP will load even before you use the program so that it appears to load faster when you eventually do start the program.

The problem with the pre-fetch queue is that a) over time the contents become de-fragmented and b) the operating system will be doing unnecessary work by loading programs you may not even be using any more. You can safely remove (delete) the entire pre-fetch queue every few months or so because the operating system will rebuild it automatically.

To zap the pre-fetch queue, open your file explorer and go to c:\windows\prefetch\ (assuming that your copy of Windows XP is installed in the windows folder of your C drive of course.) Now select all the items in the folder and delete them.

And that`s it - your computer will now run faster!

Looking for adventure?

The tweaks and maintenance tricks above are all safe and can be done by just about anyone. A bit like an ten year old installing new spark plugs in a car. :-)

For the more adventurous, you can gain very substantial performance gains by using more advanced tools, but be warned, these tools are not for novice users. If you do not know what you are doing, you can end up with a broken PC instead of a faster one.

PageDefrag

The operating system uses files to swap memory to disk (and back) when required. This file is one of the single most important aspects affecting your operating system`s performance. When page files become fragmented, system performance suffers severely, so by making sure they are de-fragmented can boost your operating system`s performance by a couple of performance points.

The downside is that if a page file becomes completely corrupted, you can end up with an operating system that does not start...so take care when using this utility.

Visit: http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/sysinternals/bb897426.aspx

TuneXp

This is a freeware utility that exposes a large number of tweaks for you to play with. It is not recommended for novice users, but if you are willing to experiment a bit you will be able to improve your operating system`s performance significantly.

It takes a bit of work to optimize your computer and to maintain it, but it sure beats buying a new one every year! :-)

Ten candles

Hectic! Awesome! Wicked!

I believe "sick!" is also a term used to mean "good"...or "cool". And "cool" means, well, "good" to us old folk who were born before 1980. What is with that? How did "cool" become "sick"? Wtf? (What the flip)

I spent a lot of time feeling old lately because Cozahost turned 10 years old in July. To put that in perspective:

In 1990 Tim Berners-Lee and Robert Cailliau proposed the hypertext protocol we call the web today.

In 1991 Tim wrote the first web browser.

In 1996 the South African public could connect to the internet for the first time.

In 1999 we closed down our software development and consulting business and re-named our company "Cozahost" to concentrate exclusively on hosting South African businesses.

In just 10 years the internet changed the shape of society: Hundreds of millions use social networking web sites like Facebook, Myspace and Twitter.

In 2008 there were approximately 600 million permanent servers on the internet.

Last month the Seacom cable went live to signal start of faster and cheaper bandwidth in South Africa. Seacom and the cables to follow over the next two years will change the internet landscape in South Africa as surely as electricity changed the physical landscape. A revolution is looming.

Mean time, in the rest of the world, just about any question you can think of can be answered by Google, or the (brilliant) new Microsoft search engine "Bing".

A new generation "Answer engine" to "make all systematic knowledge immediately computable by anyone" saw the light in the guise of Wolfram Alpha: You can ask this engine questions, and, instead of pointing you to web sites, will actually give you an answer.

Ask it: "Where is Afrikaans spoken?" and get an answer.

Ask it: "Why did the chicken cross the road" and get an answer, or "what is the answer to life" (answer) or "how fast is light" (answer), or "how much does it rain in Cape Town" (Answer), or or just tune it "Hello."

(Sidebar: when you wake up afer a particularly heavy night, stay in bed, stick your head under the covers and use your cell phone to surreptitiously ask Wolfram Alpha: "Where am I?")

It's still a bit rough around the edges, but you'll get the point. Imagine the internet ten years from now?!

But relax. As they say on the cover of Hitchikers guide to the galaxy - Don't panic: God / SARS / the universe / nature / the Tokelosh willing you and I will be here 10 years from now reminiscing about the good old days before computers could understand what people wanted. You know: the days before we had chips embedded in our brains and before stupidity was declared a dangerous and communicable disease.

To celebrate our decade birthday, we launched the first incarnation of a new client service portal where our clients can mange their accounts, get statements, copies of invoices and so on. We also launched a new affiliate program where we thank our clients for recommending us by giving them a commission. We replaced all our office furniture. We employed more staff. We installed (or are in the process of) installing a new PABX (phone system) that allows any of our staff to make, take or transfer calls anywhere in the word...as if they were in the office. True global mobility. Untethered productivity. Telkom Free. Praise the gods.

Not only that, the new phone system can do sexy stuff like report (read in a human voice) current network and server status and perform just about any process you can think of...including making you groove on elevator music while on hold. How much did all this cost? Well, zero actually - if you exclude the mental pain and anguish of installing a Linux system. (Will tell you much more about this PABX in a future issue...it IS the future of telephony)

We refined our long term vision for Cozahost - complete with an integrated systems plan with some James Bond-esq, shiny new systems.

We will innovate and creatively deploy technology to empower our clients to compete with the best. We will build services and relationships so that our clients choose to stay with us for another ten years...and beyond.

The last ten years was wicked, awsum, hectic and sick. But the next ten...whowee! It's gonna be gezact!

Infinite computing

I was 13 when I spent my entire 3 week school vacation learning how to program my Sinclear ZX81 computer. Days and nights disappeared in for loops, variable assignments, gotos and the paraphernalia that makes up the BASIC programming language. The machine had 1 Kb of memory (that's 0.0001 Megabyte or precisely 1024 letters). No hard disk. No stiffy drive. No data storage of any kind.

When you switched the machine off, everything in it's memory would be gone.

You could "record" the data to a portable tape recorder: the computer would send weak sound signals to the microphone input on the tape recorder and record the data "song"...that could sometimes, if you were lucky, be played back to the computer to reconstruct the program you spent 10 hours writing. A program that made a letter move randomly around the screen. Or print the first 100 prime numbers. Or make random beeping sounds.

It was fantastic. A cybernetic enchanted forest. Building digital tree houses, fortresses and fantastical machines. An ever changing, moving and re-configuring puzzle. A land filled with dragon bugs. I was the dragon slayer. Ruler supreme in my digital kingdom.

But my kingdom had very hard, very definite borders. It was finite. In the extreme. The 1Kb memory limit defined the character of the computer. It dictated the kind of program you would write on the device.

Fast forward two and a half decades and my cell phone is hundreds of times more powerful than my ZX81:

Today, for a few thousand rand, you can buy computers with 2Gb of ram (that's 2 MILLION times more memory than the ZX81) and the ability to quickly save and retrieve programs and data...but somehow one still feels the limits. In the speed at which the programs load. The fact that your hard disk is slowly filling up with photos, music, programs and data.

You can feel the finite limits of the machine. You may not be painfully aware of them, but you can feel it. Like gravity. You know it's there, so you try not to jump from the roof in your batman suit.

Until one day when you plug your finite computer into the internet.

It's like opening your refrigerator door and seeing Antarctica on the other side. It's not infinite, but it is damn close. So large and complex it might as well be. You will never be able to fit it into your mind.

And it is growing. By the second. Expanding at an exponential rate. In size. In the amount of information it contains. In the number of people connected to it.

Today, with this computer in front of you, plugged in to the internet, you have access to an near infinite supply of knowledge, facts, processing power and data storage.

The internet is not a "thing". Or a computer. It is as real as smoke rising from a fire. It seems insubstantial, but yet it is real.

Pretty soon the internet will squeeze out all other networks: the phone network will stop to exist, as will TV networks. Control networks for traffic lights, alarm systems, air conditioning, trains, electricity supply - everything will be moved onto the internet.

Your cell phone will become your personal internet connection. Your always on, always with you jack into the digital world. Through it you will stay in contact with friends, consume goods and services, read news, listen watch radio and tv streams, make and receive payments, vote.

Scary? No, not really. Contrary to what Hollywood would want you believe, the internet is not a thing. It is not capable of motive, ambition, malice, greed any other emotion.

Take the current world wide telephone network: Does anyone worry about the phones taking over the world? No. How stupid would that be?

It sure did change the world though.

Un-voodoo'ing internet access via your cell phone

In a previous post about cell phones, dentures and public swimming pools, I talked about how pervasive technology became. Everybody has a cell phone and they take it everywhere.

Thing is, internet access via cell phones are still a bit voodoo to many users - so that is what this post about: un-voodoo'ing internet access via your cell phone.

The first thing to mention is that most "old" cell phones were built for voice communications only. Few if any of these phones had the ability to display web pages. Of course, back then, there were no such thing as 3G (the 3rd generation, high speed data capable cell networks) so an internet connection would require a dial up modem-like connection to the internet...and you'd be charged per second for the time you stay connected...and to add insult to injury: your connection speed would be in the order of 36 Kbps per second. (The slowest ADSL line you can install today is about 384 Kbps).

Connecting to the internet with a cell phone was s-l-o-w and very expensive.

The advent of GPRS and 3G changed all that. Without going into the technicalities, both GPRS and 3G enable cell phones to make a digital connection to the internet at high speed...and...best of all...you only pay for the data you transfer: not for the time you stay connected.

So, staying online all the time is not only feasible, it is also practical and affordable. For instance, I use a data contract from MTN which costs about R 80.00 per month for 100Mb data. More than enough to handle my mobile email needs and the occasional web search to cheat on an argument at a braai.

Email Protocols

Most of the newer (- 2 year old) cell phones have email (POP3 and SMTP) built in - contrary to what some ISPs and cell phone providers will make you want to believe. A recent radio ad advertised that with this ISP you could send and receive email with your cell phone.

Like this ISP exclusively provide the service!

Fact is, provided you can connect to the internet using your phone (depends on your cell provider and phone model) and your phone supports the standard email protocols, then you can send and receive email - the ISP does not even know that you are using a cell phone. Their ad is half true...you do need an ISP...but it can be any ISP. They offer no special advantage or technology.

As they say: half a truth is often a whole lie...and Telkom did not make little green apples.

WAP

Initially cell phones had very little computing power on board, so it was difficult and slow to interpret HTML (web) pages. Besides the interpretation, the phone screens were microscopic...and black and white.

In those days (when Table mountain was a mole hill), one had to build a web page specifically for cell phones. The standard for these pages (and protocol) was "WAP", or Wireless Access Protocol.

Basically the WAP protocol was a set of rules that required simplified (small) pages with 5 or so links, no colour, no graphics, no fonts and nothing other than 1960's style plain old text.

Fast forward four years or so, and all new ("smart") phones come quipped with larger, color screens able to support graphics, fonts, animation, sound, etc. A veritable computer with a phone strapped on. Now virtually all new phones can display normal web pages - the only practical limitation being the size of the phone's screen.

The term "WAP" is still used to generically refer to web access using a cell phone - even though, strictly speaking, the WAP protocol itself is not a technical requirement for smart phones.

Configure your phone to connect to the internet

Your phone will be GPRS / 3G / WAP compatible if you received it within a week or so after Jan van Riebeeck landed in the Cape. If not, consider an upgrade...or smoke signals.

Remember that all cell phone carriers (ie Cell C, MTN and Vodacom) will charge for data you transfer: anything from R 0.50 to R 3.00 per MB, so make sure you have a data package that suits your requirements and budget before you make use of the data (internet) services.

To set up your phone for internet (web) access dial the following:

Vodacom: *111#
MTN: *123*1#
Cell C: 140

In each case select "WAP" when asked.

Cool sites

Here are some nifty and useful sites you should bookmark on your cell phone.

SA Weather: http://dev2.weathersa.co.za/mobile.asp
This url will probably change in future, but for now it gives a 7 day forecast for most cities in South Africa. Extremely effective when used to covertly check the weather, then, at a braai, look up at the night sky, frown, lick your finger, stick it in the air and announce: "I think it's going to rain next week"...

Google mobile: http://mobile.google.co.za
The world's information at your fingertips...

Fring: Http://www.fring.com
Free software enables you to send and receive instant messages on your phone from MSN, GTALK, ICQ and others. Your boss (or wife) will never even know you are not at your desk.

News24: http://m.news24.com
When you are bored on the train, or...uhm...on the throne.

Online banking: Just about all banks have sites designed for mobile access.
Standard bank: http://sbcell.co.za
FNB: http://fnb.mobi
ABSA: http://ib.absa.co.za
Nedbank: http://nedbankmobile.co.za

Facebook: http://m.facebook.com
The village square of the 21'st century.